Friday, November 30, 2007

world's largest lesbian craft fesitval


This weekend, the 23rd edition of the World's Largest Lesbian Craft Festival, shows their holly holly holly at the Westport Roanoke Community Center, just downstream from the Worldwide Anthill Headquarters of Warrior Ant Press.

These felted, or more properly fulled, xmas trees, wasn't made by a lesbian, although they could have been. They are environmentally friendly enough for eco-pagans (aren't all pagans by definition eco?) because unlike the mayor's xmas tree, no old-growth douglas fir trees were felled in their making, although a number of green sheep were shorn.

Other environmentally friendly things you can do this season:

*vote a Republican from office
*take our carbon neutral xmas lights tour instead of stringing your own
*buy lesbian instead of chinese

Above:
m.o.i.: felted xmas trees. Found objects, some felted, some knot. 2007. Dimensions vary. ~12 x ~5 x ~5

Thursday, November 29, 2007

feds to cut rates again!


Citing concerns over the falling dollar, limited supplies of precious resources, and "a hankering for the good ole days", the Federal Reserve announced plans to replace the widely popular U.S. States series of quarters with wooden nickels.

If the wooden nickel turns out to be as popular as the state quarter series, the Bush Administration believes this may be a viable option to pay for the war in Iraq.


Unfortunately you'll no longer be able to use your wooden nickels at Moe's Frontier Bar because it's now closed after 65 years in the biz.

elsewhere:
last call for alcohol

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

good answer

Those nutty Republicans. What will they think of next? A YouTube debate?

After the debate, if you can possibly figure out which one of these gentleman is the most white, the most Christian, and not the Devil (good luck), and you live in North Carolina, and if you still want to vote for one of them, well, first you'll have to take a pledge of allegiance to the Grand Ole Party.

"One nation under God." Right answer.

The next test is waterboarding! GOP asks the questions and you supply the answers (we know you will). Hey, if John Asscrotch is willing to be waterboarded in defense of freedom, then you should be too. Except, wait, when Asscrotch had his chance to try water-boarding, he had an assistant at the Justice Department do it, "just to see what it felt like." Bosses are still torturing their subordinates on the job, and it's still legal. When will it end?

strike this post!

Happy endings? Those are for the movies.

Strikes. They are boring. Anyone who's walked a picket line for a week knows this. Strike pay? It's donuts and a refresher course in juvenile delinquency. That said, if one is reasonably assured that the strike won't carry on for a month or more, and that both sides are serious about negotiating, and if you got this months' rent covered along with pleny of food in the fridge and more in the pantry, then walking the picket line can elicit a certain sangfroid. This is especially true when the strikers are typically held more captive by a keyboard than the boardroom. Producing a couple of paragraphs of exquisite prose is enough for most writers to imagine they've been martyred in the process. It's rough business.

There is only ever one issue in a strike and that is MONEY, although there are several variations on the issue (i.e. salary, benefits, residuals). For some reason both sides frequently go to great lengths to insure us that "it's not about the money". Bathroom breaks may still be a problem in junior high and prison, but in the work place, money is more pressing. So after the issues have been discussed and with 7 hours and 45 minutes of picketing left in the day, it's easy to see why strikers develop novel ways to get even with the man. Besides, the MAN needs an occasional ass-whupping. If only we were better at it.

Back when KC was a union town, which is about as long ago as it was a jazz town, I was a member of the Retail Clerks Union which for those of you who live in a right-to-choose state or the 21-st century, means that when I belonged to this union and worked in a grocery store checking, bagging, unloading trucks, stocking shelves, working staggered shifts, nights, weekends, and most holidays, and generally providing you dear reader with the food and staples that you consume weekly, AT LEAST then as a union member I actually made ENOUGH money to rent a modest 1-bedroom efficiency apartment, pay my bills, take night classes at the local university, and plot my escape from said drudgery. My current status as a member of the Union of Concerned Scientists indicates that the plan did work, even if the execution was somewhat messy and interrupted by numerous work stoppages. After 6 months as a labor union member, I was allowed to obtain health insurance and after 1 full-year of working was entitled to a paid 2-week vacation, at which point I discovered that there was more to life than working. That was over 25 years ago. We've made so much progress since then.

In 4 years as a trade unionist, I walked 3 picket lines. Once as clerk. Once with the meat-cutters. Once with the teamsters. Before these unions, excepting the teamsters (who just had one of their balls and/or ovaries handed to them) were crushed by bar-code scanners, factory farms, and mindless Republicanism, the careful staggering of union contracts coupled with the duty-bound honor code of not crossing another union's picket line meant that a combined strike by the United Food and Commercial Workers and Teamsters could seriously jeopardize your ability to pick up a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk on your way home from work. Americans take bread and milk for granted, just as they do the nightly network offerings. The work around for the absence of all three is easy in theory and difficult in practice because it involves self-restraint from the American consumer, a curious creature so misinformed that it thinks beer shouldn't have carbs and that reality can be discovered in an island off the coast of Borneo.

So with energy to burn, members of the Writers Guild of America are throwing their creative efforts at the new (read, now old) media of the internet which is at the heart of the labor disagreement. And WGA is finding it simultaneously easy and excruciatingly difficult to mine the medium. It's easy because they tend to have the basic tool, intellect, that made the internet interesting in the first place and they are adept at stringing together cogent sentences, complex thoughts, and tweaking your emotions. As their web presence indicates,they do these things for a living .

They also know when to pull STAR POWER (as frequently as possible!) because most of America and this includes the media really think they might have a chance with Laura Linney (or Don Cheadle), if only they could just have a few minutes with her/him over a glass of wine and a nice dinner. They, if anyone, would see us for who we really are. If the opportunity doesn't arise this week, well then, perhaps a short video (shhh! no talking, I want focus on the physicality of it!) is the next best thing to sex with a movie star. Maybe it is sex with a movie star.

It's difficult for WGA because the worst foil in the world in one that does nothing in response. The silent ogre in the battle is AMPTP (Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers), which in reality stands for Giant Soul Sucking Machine. Unlike the military, but almost as powerful, Hollywood has never been good with acronyms. AMPTP has more people, world-wide, addicted to their products than Big Tobacco and Big PHarma combined and they are just as benevolent. They make twice the money and have ten times the global influence, and much of it is not in our best interest. None of this is the fault of the writers.

It's also difficult for the WGA because the internet is full of the same wildly addicted personalities that can't get enough of CSI, Access Hollywood, Dancing with the Stars, Lost, 24, and the NFL on CBS pre-game show. As long as there's product that's reasonably entertaining and less stale than yesterday's bagel, many viewers (and much of APMTA) are happy enough. Product sells. Salvation does not. Silky Kumar was a shill. For a while no one knew. Now it doesn't matter. He's a star!

In a few short weeks WGA has been able guide about 60,000 people a day to their website, United Hollywood, which might be described as a sort of multi-plex of strike-related blogs. Sixty-thousand unique hits sounds like a lot until you discover that some unicycle dude has had a quarter-of-a-million page hits, your daughter loves Phil DeFranco more than Raymond, and more than 5 million people have seen the greatest hockey fight ever. Like sex for most Americans, these experiences rarely last more than 10 minutes uninterrupted, but unless you're fond of Masterpiece Theatre or have Showtime, nothing on your tv does either.

Soon. Hopefully. Eventually. The writers will get their 8 cents worth, that's all they're asking for and they deserve every penny of it and more, but this is Hollywood, not Disneyland. AMPTP doesn't give a damn dime when a nickel will do.

Once a deal is struck they'll be shouts and murmurs enough for wall-to-wall coverage for a week on all the networks. Star reaction to follow. Unless of course, it coincides with the onset of OJ's latest trial and we all know that story, ABSOLUTELY, will be the lead. Why? Because content providers don't own the medium. Content providers only have a tiny say in the medium. The one medium content providers do (or did?) own by proxy or sheer numbers, the internet, is quickly being purchased by those who want to sell it back to them. That rogue television channel, YouTube, now offers scrolling add bars. In the interest of truth-in-advertising can we change the tag line to Broadcast Someone Else or has that web site already been taken?

elsewhere:
united hollywood
speechless: the vlogs

and even farther away:
the greatest unedited fight in the history of motion pictures


an in another galaxy altogether:
Giant Soul Sucking Machine

m.o.i.:strike this post!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

bush administration to bake chocolate chip cookies for christmas travelers

And who doesn't like a warm cookie? Citing budgetary constraints, and possible allergic reactions by a subset of the population, administration officials nixed plans to also serve warm milk with the cookies.

Turns out that El Presidento Bush, who so thoughtfully allowed his humble servants, use of 2 (that's right 2) additional routes through restricted (well it's kinda restricted, before 8 pm anyway) airspace was pulling the wool over our eyes. Or was the wool being pulled over his eyes, and he too myopic to see through it?

The issue with flight delays has never been about air space, but about ground space, both inside the terminals and on the runways. This was another meaningless sacrifice by the Bush Administration on the alter of reality. This is why Americans who flew last weekend, encountered the worst airline delays in history.

world's greatest powerpoint presentation

Al Gore finally got to prove to El Presidento Bush that although he's no longer an official guest of the White House, he's a lot smarter because of it. Bush, like the school yard bully who's finally received his comeuppance seemed wooden during the official press greeting between the former sparring partners. When asked if the President felt threatened by Gore's intellect, White Press Secretary Perino said, “This president does not harbor any resentments. He never has.”

three degrees of separation

Lot's of hot-shot chefs want you to believe that unless you know what to do with organ meat, or tripe, or stomach fat you're part of a lesser breed of chefs. Bullshit. Try serving brain to your friends and family one night and see how far you get.

No. A much more challenging venture is what to do with leftovers. I grew up eating leftovers which is maybe why I'm so fond of them. We had cycles of lefovers. First the holiday ham. Then ham and cheese grilled sandwiches. Followed by beans and ham with mustard greens. Lastly, bean soup with hot, buttered cornbread. Each one was just an iteration of the previous. And each was better than the last.

If you cook all (or most) of your meals, and you want to eat healthy, you'll have to find a way to deal with leftovers or you'll spend all your time in the kitchen. I had a girlfriend once who was previously married to a chef and restaurant owner. She refused to eat leftovers and didn't cook often. She was very labor intensive. We parted ways.

On one level all of fine dining is based on a series of leftovers. What is consomme but leftovers thrice removed? So then what to do with the leftover leg of lamb from Thanksgiving?

Here's my shot at it.

Lamb and carrot soup.

For this you will need.

1 quart of lamb stock. Most of the work for this dish goes into the stock. I did this the day before Thanksgiving so today, it's really only a matter of finishing the dish. But here's how it's done. You can substitute chicken stock if you must. Store bought stocks are no good for soups. Too salty. Plus they lack the proper acid balance. Also, leftovers (like a cooked turkey carcass) should never form the base of any stock unless you're making stock for gravy or to flavor stuffing. Not for soups. Soups are different. You can add a few leftover scraps to an ongoing stock, but for a real, vibrant stock you're going to want to start from scratch.

Ask the butcher for some stock bones. You can mix some pork neck bones with the lamb bones (or shanks) to save a little money. In a large roasting pan, place the bones along with several whole cleaned carrots, the end of a celery stalk, 1 large onion, skin on and split in half, and one whole garlic bulb in the husk. A few beets are fine as well. 3 or 4 tomatoes yes, but only if in season. Sprinkle all the ingredients liberally with cracked pepper and sea salt. Roast the ingredients uncovered at 375 for 45 minutes until brown turning as necessary.

Pull the roasting pan from the oven and dump them into a large 12-quart non-oxidizing stock pan and cover with cold water. Season additionally with fresh rosemary, tarragon, and parsley. Bring to a boil. Then turn down the heat and let simmer. Skim off the fat as it comes to the surface. Turn the heat down as far as it will go on your stove without the fire going out. Pull your pot to the side so that only about one-third is touching the flame. Let the stock simmer overnight. First thing in the morning. Remove from the heat, pull out all the large pieces and strain everything into another stock pot or large Pyrex bowl. Clean the grit from the sides of the dirty stock pot. Now strain the stock again, this time through a chinois or fine mesh filter lined with a clean tea towel, coffee filters, or paper towels back into your original stock pan. Of all of these, the coffee filter is the most likely to clog. All of the flavor has been extracted from the ingredients so at this point you are trying to concentrate and intensify the flavors. Impurities will eventually impart off flavors during the final reduction as the proteins begin to break down. Let the strained stock cool for an hour. Then skim off all the fat that comes to the surface and discard.

Place the stock back on the heat and simmer on medium for 2 hours with enough vigor to reduce the orginal volume by half. If there were no tomatoes in your original ingredients, you'll need to add 2 tablespoons of tomato paste to balance the stock. If you've done your skimming and filtering well you can increase the heat but don't go crazy with it. This seems like a lot of work and it is but a fine stock can form the basis of many meals. There is no substitute. And it will keep for at least a week in the fridge.

To finish the dish.

Bone out the remaining lamb from the leg. If it was initially cooked mid-rare (and it should have been) then place the boned meat in some heavy-duty aluminum foil and sprinkle several tablespoons of the stock over the meat, seal the foil, and place in a 325 degree oven for 25 minutes. The meat should be steaming when you pull it from the oven.

While you re-heating the lamb, in a non-oxidizing sauce pan, for every 2 cups of lamb stock, add 1 cup of fresh carrot juice. Bring to boil. Stop. Cover. Over cooking will cause color loss.

Place 1/4 cup of the meat in a bowl, cover with stock, garnish with bowtie pasta or homemade croutons (also made with leftovers! recipe to follow) and serve.

Monday, November 26, 2007

lott's retirement stops cheney's heart

Again. He's expected to fully recover after shock treatments.



It was the 8th heart attack that Cheney has endured since taking office one short of the record held by Puss n' Boots. According to the team of medical doctor's that travel 24/7 with the VP, Cheney has exactly one life left.

border war

"This will be the only present that you get."

"You know I don't care about stuff. I-pod, cashmere sweater, a new metal driver. None of that shit. This game, though...it matters."

"No, it doesn't. It's a game played by boys - for boys."

"You're wrong. I can see it mattering years from now. Life's struggle against it's own experience."

"That's crap. It's a football game. I don't care about the money, it's not the money. But that is a lot of money. We could fly to New York for that amount."

"We've been to New York. Plenty of times. New York will wait for us."

"New York doesn't give a shit about us."

"Besides the stagehands are on strike. The only shows you can see are The Grinch and The Rockettes Do David Letterman but Letterman is being played by a stand-in because he's also on strike so that leaves a musical about a children's book starring a man in a green costume. Wasn't that Cats? What's next? A musical based on a play based on a movie?"

"That was a book of poems. And it's movie, play, then musical. Or is it play, movie, play again? I can't remember, but you loved them all."

He could sense she was tiring. "Life is about the experiences embedded in it, and what we take from them. Isn't that what you always say."

She thought back to last year when she had drained most of her checking account to buy the Tiger Woods Grand Slam Metal Driver that he had so dearly wanted. "Wait. I thought you loved the driver?"

"I do. It was great. It is great. You know that. But more than the thing, it was the experiences it generated." He was moving to close the deal. "Remember last summer when I told you that Robb had been beating my ass every weekend on the golf course and once I got that driver and got my slice corrected, how the tables had turned? You should have seen the look on that fat-fucks face when I finally crushed him. He was up fifty and wanted to press, so I said ok, back-to-you buddy, just like that, no emotion, "back to you buddy". You know Robb, once challenged, he feels threatened and when he feels threatened he makes bad decisions. "Press again, and call." That's when I pulled the Grand Slam from the bag, he hadn't seen me use it yet, and when I buried that drive on the front edge of 17 you should have seen his face. "Holy shit man, what was that?" he'd yelled. But once he realized that $200 is a lot to lose on one hole of golf, he shanked his approach shot. He had to borrow gas money from me just to get home."

"Robb has never forgiven you."

"Fuck him. He's taken that much and more from me over the years. He deserved it. Plus, this is my way to make it up to him."

"You must have a lot of guilt. Five hundred dollars? For two tickets to a football game."

She drove to the ATM. It was Black Friday, that's what everyone called it but, Chuck called it Black and Gold Friday after his team's colors. She pulled off the traffic way, made the circle in the lot, and queued up behind a Silver Volvo SUV. It had a flag flying from the window, the university colors of the opposing team. "That makes no sense" she thought. She tried to relax. Holidays were stressful enough. Before long, a hand extended from the driver's window holding what appeared to be a can of beer. The driver dumped the contents of the beer can on the ATM, then forcibly crushed it against the machine, flipped off the hidden camera and spun off. "Morons," she yelled out the window.

She drove forward. She loved this part. After she inserted her card a voice with a slight English accent spoke to her. "Welcome. Please enter you pin number number." She punched in the number and then said to the woman, to the camera, to no one, "That's the reason not to let your children borrow your car."

Bad at math, her checkbook was seldomed balanced correctly, so first she did a balance inquiry to make sure that there was enough money in her account for this debacle. $1374.62. Whew. Good. She was always afraid that she had made a double payment. Or put the wrong check in the wrong envelope. Once she put the mortgage check in the credit card statement and those assholes had cashed it. Just like that. It took her account months to recover. She went through the routine again, then hesitated at the amount. OK, how much? The ticket broker wanted 500 dollars for 2 club level seats in the end zone. She decided on six hundred. That would give her pocket money for most of the week. At the end of the transaction, the voice came on and said, "We're sorry, we cannot process you request at this time." What? She ran through it again. This time for $500. Again the same voice. Fuck. That's why those assholes were going crazy. It's out of money. The day after Thanksgiving and all the out-of-towners and holiday shoppers had bled it dry. Fuck. FUCK. FUCKKK! She screamed. Then apologized to the machine. "Sorry."

Now she would need to go to the other ATM, the one in the shopping district. She knew traffic would be a terrible down there. And parking. Non-existence. This was turning into a nightmare. Afterwards she still had to drive to the ticket broker. This is going to shoot my whole day she thought. Maybe she should just bag it, make up some story. She got to the broker and the tickets had been sold. Chuck would never know. He would complain bitterly, but he would never know.

She drove toward the shopping district. As she approached the area she could she that cars were backed up through 2 lights. Oh jeez. She looked over and saw a place on the street, then quickly pulled over and parked. She'd have to walk, but it wasn't far, only 5 or 6 blocks. She could use the walk-up at her bank and not have to go inside. It would do her good. Maybe the walk would her calm down.

The shopping district was teeming with happy-go-lucky types, all ready to drop some money on Christmas presents. Earlier NPR had been doing a story on how important this day was to the economy. "Well, this should make Bush happy" she said to herself.

She didn't come down here enough. It was always changing. Her favorite store, a toy store, had been replaced by an I-Store. Next to it was a Lucky Jeans store. You could put your five-hundred-dollar phone in your hundred-dollar jeans pocket. The sidewalk in front of Sharper Image was crowded with hordes of young people dressed in blue. God. Who are these people? Who shops here? And what do they do for a living? It took her a minute to realize this was the opposing team cheerleader squad. That makes sense, she thought, prepare for the big game by shopping.

She walked past the Starbucks, past the Barnes and Noble. There was a Salvation Army bell ringer near the entrance. As she waited for the light to change she watched him. People came and went through the entrance, but no one stopped and put money in the pot. How does he do it? Stand the noise of that bell all day. For what? A few dollars for the needy. He looked calm though. Oblivious to all the rat race. Then she noticed the headphones. He's listening to music. On an i-pod! No wonder the bell doesn't drive him crazy, he can't hear it. He looked up, saw her watching him, and nodded to her. She looked away and crossed the street.

She glanced over her shoulder as she approached the ATM. The were so many people on the sidewalks she didn't feel threatened, but the last time she'd been here, after she taken out her cash, a panhandler had asked for money and then loudly cursed her when she claimed not to have any. It had creeped her out and made her feel guilty at the same time for not helping. She realized that she didn't like not being able to ignore the poor. It was so much easier that way.

She punched in the numbers. Out came $600 dollars. "Nothing like the magic money machine, you push the buttons, out comes the money" she said out loud and spun on her heels. The was a man right behind her wearing a Packers letter jacket, one of those gaudy things with all the patches. Super Bowl XXXI. Super Bowl I&II on the sleeves. MVP. Hideous. Must have cost a fortune.

"Can you help me?"

"What?" she didn't understand.

"Anything?"

"No. No. NO!" She shouted at him. Several passersby stopped and stared, unsure of the exchange. She settled down. "I wish I could. I really do, but not today."

"Tickets. You want tickets."

"What? NO. I have to go. Please." She tried to push past him.

He held out his arm blocking her path. "Tickets. I have tickets." He pulled 2 tickets from his pocket and held them to her face. "I'm selling tickets. To the game." Then she saw that the elbows of the jackets were grimy and she recognized the man. Kansas City's resident homeless asshole.

"No way. You're kidding me. Are they real? They don't look real." They were too big, too colorful.

"Yeah. Real. They're real. My daugther gave them to me. For Christmas. She goes to the university. Said, go make some money. Get yourself off the street for a while."

"Your daughter. Yeah. Right. You stole them didn't you."

"No, it's true. Look at em. They're real." He shoved them at her. "These are great tickets. Thirty-five yard line."

Reluctantly she looked at them. Field Box. Section 130, row 4. Maybe they were real.

"You didn't steal these did you? If I buy these, I get burned won't I, I'll show up at the gate and they'll arrest me for stealing and I'll be out a bunch of money and not tickets."

"I'm not a thief. I'm fucked up, yes, but I'm not a thief."

"How much?"

"Thousand."

"A thousand dollars! You're out of your mind."

"Maybe. But I'll get that before the days out. Look," he waved his hand at all the shoppers, "all these people, money to burn."

"Five hundred. I'll give you $500. That's all I have." She pulled the money from her purse and counted out 5 bills. When she came to the sixth, she crumpled it up and put it in her pocket. "I need that for food. Five hundred. Here. Take it."

"No. A thousand."

"Can't do it. That's too much."

"Got to have a thousand."

"Can't to do it."

"Take it or leave it." He turned away.

"Asshole" she muttered under her breath. He heard her and turned around. "Fucking asshole!" she said it directly to his face.

He ignored her. She watched him walk away with the tickets held over his head. He didn't go half a block before someone stopped him. They chatted for a few seconds and then he moved on.

By the time she found him again he was in front of the McDonald's several blocks away. He was speaking to the legless man on a crutch who had claimed this spot as his own. The were both eating a burger and fries. He looked up when he saw her, but he didn't say anything. She pulled the envelope from her purse and held it up. He pulled the tickets from his jacket. For a few seconds they just stared at each other, unsure of the next step. She motioned him toward the alcove. The whole thing felt seamy, like a drug deal, if this is what they felt like. She was nervous. The smell of pickles, onions, and fryer grease made her stomach churn.

"You ready to do this?" he asked.

"Yes. It's all there." She put the envelope in his hand. He held the tickets out to her. She grabbed them, quickly put them in her purse, backed away, then headed off toward her car.

"Bitch! Fuckin' uptight white bitch" he called after her and she could hear them both laughing.

She stopped. She wanted to return and demand her money back but she knew it was too late. He'd never do it and it'd be a fiasco. Worst than this one. No. She should cut the loses now. She didn't know what he'd do with the money and she didn't care. Chuck would be estastic with these tickets. They were much better than the ones he found online and now she had the better part of the day ahead of her. Maybe she'd catch a movie. Chuck didn't expect her home before three so a matinee was a definite possibility. That Dylan movie was playing at the Tivoli. Maybe she'd just head over there and see what transpired.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

another doping scandal

This one involves M.D.'s.

In Sunday's NYTimes magazine, Daniel Carlat, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Tufts University School of Medicine and the publisher of The Carlat Psychiatry Report, reports on his life as doper. You've seen these dopes if you travel our friendly skies. Although they pride themselves on being undercover, they stand out like a cop in a fringed jacket and a beard standing on the corner.

Dopers seem to make up about one-third of the flying public. They are a nervous lot. They pace just outside the waiting area oblivious as a child with a Brio train to the noise their roller luggage makes on tile floor. Too busy to read. They stop frequently to check the CNN banner scroll. They mime the movements of tv detectives about the make an arrest as they pull blackberries from their waistbands. In an attempt to shore up the weak running game of their fantasy football team they swing last minute deals just as the plane begins to board.

They flirt with flight attendants who know them by name. They know more about wine than you although it's unlikely they enjoy it as much. They are better looking than mopes like you, but unlike you, they push dope for living and this gives them access to luxury boxes, frequent flier miles, and turn-down service.

How much money can you make dealing dope to doctors? More than the Colombians make. More than Afghan tribal leaders make. And a lot more than you make.

For example, let's use Carlat's numbers. Carlat the Dope Dealer is paid $750 cash, given 2 tickets to a Broadway play, two free nights stay in a midtown Manhattan hotel just to learn about the biz from his dope-dealing mentors at Wyeth Pharmaceuticals. "It's easy, you'll never touch the stuff." At a minimum this one drug deal costs the drug company (Wyeth)$1500. Carlat explains that there are 200,000 doctors in the U.S. in the biz. Two hundred thousand times 1.5K equals 300 million dollars. That's the low end.

Before his guilt got to him, in one year Carlat was richer to the tune of 30 large. This is the curb appeal of Weeds. Sure it's questionable, but I need a safe place to raise my kids and if I don't do it, then someone else will.

Thirty large times all the dopers yields 6 billion dollars. That's the upper end. That is what is spent pushing dope in the doctor's office by drug addicts known as doctors. The 6 billion doesn't account for reps who work directly for the pharmaceutical companies. For every dope-dealing doctor, there's 2 paid reps. Estimates are this accounts for another $5 billion annually.

Carlat wants us to feel as though he's taken an ethical turn by moving past the cynicism of the drug deal gone bad. Sorry for him. Sorry for us. He pays cash for a new car and feels guilty. We finance over 6 years at 6 and 1/2 percent and are grateful. He golfs, gets comp tickets to THE GAME, and his teeth are white. You're a chump for riding coach, for sitting in GA, and for holding out for a better contract.

a leftover turkey sandwich

is almost better than the hot bird.

Friday, November 23, 2007

marion jones cleared


Sometimes the reason people don't tell the truth is that once they do tell, they begin to lose everything and very quickly, it all starts to fade away. Apparently, THE CLEAR really works.

Did anyone in sports ever have a better smile? and who has lost more?

today is black and gold friday


but THE GAME is tomorrow.

Both states are known for holier-than-thou Johns who were convinced that God spoke to them personally and granted them the right to start a war.

bush officials abandon sinking ship

Former White House press secretary Scott McCellan has become the latest Bush administration official to abandon the sinking administration. McCellan, who's publishing a book about what's it's like to tell bald-faced lies on national television, stated that he was just repeating the lies told to him by Bush, Cheney, and Rove.

The following day, his apologist editor was web-spinning like Spiderman to downplay the incident. Once written, words are hard to recall, and a little controversy always help to sell the product. Even if Rove and Cheney duped the boy, we have another line of evidence that El Presidento is misinformed on the issues and incompetent as a leader. Somehow Republicans view this as a stand-in for exoneration whereas the rest of America continues to view the last 7 years as an embarrassment and frequently find themselves quoting the title of McCellan's book, "What Happened?"

Breaking news: Harbormasters in the vicinity of the sinking ship have reported that thousands of rats are now swimming ashore.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

white house claims al queda behind jellyfish attack

The White House claimed today it had evidence linking Al Queada to the massive jellyfish attack on a salmon farm off the coast of Northern Ireland. Over 500,000 salmon were believed to be killed in the attack. "These people will stop at nothing to disrupt our way of life," said President Bush in a statement released to the press.
"In 30 years, I've never seen anything like it. It was unprecedented, absolutely amazing. The sea was red with these jelly fish and there was nothing we could do about, it, absolutely nothing." John Russell, the managing director of Northern Salmon Co. Ltd., said.

However, the White House emphatically denied recent reports circulating on the Internet that a relative of Osama bin Laden was the mastermind behind the Kennedy Assassination and pointed to video of the incident posted on youtube by Abraham Zapruder as evidence that a lone gunman was responsible for the shots in Dealy Plaza.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

cheney's bunker revealed!


Turns out Dick "the Dick" Cheney doesn't live in a bunker. He lives in a meat locker in the Virginia suburbs. Warrior Ant Press obtained this maquette of Cheney's bunker from members of a geo-caching group who found it during a foray into an area of suburban Virginia, long thought to be haunted.

The haunting stems from the mysterious case of what is often locally referred to as "the cannonballs in the roadway" event. No one knows the exact date of the event, but apparently it began when a group of second graders got lost returning from a field trip to the Arlington National Cemetery. The bus driver, a Mr. Jack Gleason, substituting for the regular driver, apparently decided to take a short-cut on the return trip so that he could make it home in time for his regular 5 o'clock Wednesday bowling game. Somewhere along the way, Mr. Gleason took a wrong turn. After driving for several hours the group took a turn that led them eventually down a country road. Thinking this was the shortcut, Gleason continued forward. However, eventually the road narrowed into a single lane, and Gleason was unable to turn around for fear of getting the bus stuck in the ditch and stranding the school children miles in the middle of nowhere. With no room to turn around, the flustered bus driver continued onward, the road continued to narrow, the day got later, and the children began to get bored and restless.

Mr. Gleason would later state that he thought the road "looked familiar" and was certain that if he continued down the lane, eventually he would return to the main highway and "civilization". He did not know that "civilization" just over the next rise.

Eventually the bus crested a small knoll and it was here that they
encountered the roadway littered with what at first appeared to be boulders, but upon closer inspection appeared to be cannonballs. The bus driver and the teacher, a Ms. Poppins, were dumb-founded, as were the children who wanted to investigate this strange phenomenon up-close. Fearing for their safety, the children were kept on the bus, and in an attempt to distract them, Gleason and Poppins began to entertain the children with a series of song and dance routines

About this time that a large black sedan pulled up behind the bus. A man, who was described by one of the survivors as a middle-aged, dumpy, white man with a disheveled appearance and a dour attitude approached the bus and rapped loudly on the doors. He was not happy with seeing a school bus in the middle of nowhere and a couple enacting vaudeville routines at taxpayer expense. The man, who identified himself as Mr. Rove, told the bus driver to "get the hell out of the way and get these child back to the basics where they belong". When the bus driver protested that he was unsure about moving the cannonballs, the Rove explained that this was a common occurrence in this part of the country, that his "nutty" friend liked to shoot his toy cannon for pleasure, which in reality wasn't a toy at all, but a civil war cannon that he'd liberated from the Shiloh National Historic site.

The man was so belligerent and insistent that the bus had to be moved and that forward was the only direction allowed that Gleason and Poppins decided to move the cannonballs to the side of road. When they asked the man for his help, he claimed his "bad back" prevented him from helping and suggested instead that they enlist the children. "What good are they on the bus?" he apparently asked.

Gleason and Poppins thought using child labor inappropriate, but Rove assured them that the cannonballs weren't armed and began to yell and curse and accuse them of leaving children behind. By this time, the children had been on the bus for much of the afternoon and were growing increasingly noisy, so Gleason and Poppins eventually relented and allowed them to help.

Even with the children's help, it took almost an hour to move all of the cannonballs to the side of the road during which time, Mr. Rove stayed inside his sedan with the windows rolled up. As soon as the road was cleared, the sedan whipped around the school bus narrowly missing several children and sped off into the distance.

Unbeknown to the driver and teacher, two boys decided to keep a cannonball as a souvenir. When Gleason discovered this during a head count, he demanded the child give it to him, whereupon he, Gleason, threw it out the window. The cannonball exploded when it hit the ground sending shrapnel flying in all directions. Gleason was killed instantly, one child was blinded in his left eye, and several other children sustained minor injuries. Poppins, who had no drivers license, was forced to drive the bus.

The bus was later found in parking lot of a Walmart where it was spotted after an Amber Alert was issued. Ms. Poppins had no memory of how they got there, never spoke publicly about the event, and never taught again. A police report on the incident mysteriously disappeared and the exact location of the event was never determined until the geo-cachers stumbled upon during a weekend foray.

elsewhere:
m.o.i.: impeach the dick
m.o.i.dick cheney shakes hands with the devil

president pardons convicted felons

While millions of Americans packed their stuffing into clear quart bags and prepared to be humiliated by the Dept. of Homeland lackeys, El Presidento was quietly pardoning two convicted felons. Bush issued the pardons yesterday at the White House and ordered the airspace between Reagan National and Miami-Dade Airports cleared so that the felons, whom Bush referred to as Liberty and Freedom, could spend time with their family members, Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Daffy, and Porky near Orlando.

more @:
m.o.i.: cheney pardons white house turkey
elsewhere:
view presidential pardons

Monday, November 19, 2007

a HUGE thanksgiving tip

Thanksgiving is almost here and many of you are scrambling to find the right ingredients to a hugely happy family meal. Is it the $100 turkey? A honey-baked ham? Roast duck? Goose? Oyster stuffing? Cranberry fool? Too much wine?

It's different for everyone, but one of the keys to less stress at holiday time is to be prepared. Don't slave in the kitchen for most of the day just so everyone can be stuffed to the gills by the second-half of the second game of the doubleheader of a game that doesn't matter. Or does it? Who's playing anyway? You can bet the Lions will be somewhere in the mix. And the C-boys? do we have to put up with their swagger? Probably so.

The realization at 10 am on Thursday that you've forgotten the ONE ingredient that you absolutely must have is about as dreadful as snagging the 50-ft inflatable Lucy on the light pole. All the holiday air goes up and away.

It's pretty hard to forget the turkey, although I suppose it's been done. But what WILL you forget this year? You know you'll forget something. Cinnamon? Heavy cream? Fresh garlic? And just try and find these items at your local convenience store on Thursday. Likely isn't going to happen.

The absolute worst thing to run short on when you have a house full of guests who, after a HUGE meal, more than one glass of wine, several helpings of desert, and COFFEE, are ready to let go with some pent-up holiday stress is toilet paper. You can substitute 2% for heavy cream, but for toilet paper there are no good substitutes. Camping in the woods you can improvise this oversight, but on Thanksgiving you do not want to go there, not if you want Aunt Edna to come back for Christmas dinner.

That's why this year, just in time for the whole clan, Scott is introducing the SUPER-MEGA roll. This roll is so big you'll never have to change it no matter how free your guests feel. And the elders will love the ultra-doux, quadruple-ply, lanolin-enriched, SUPER-MEGA roll. If there's one place you don't want to be politically correct it's here. The SUPER-MEGA roll dwarfs the standard roll.

Look at it! It's ten times the size of a standard roll. Each SUPER MEGA roll contains 2000 quadruple-ply sheets compared to the standard sheet 200 single-ply roll. It's like having a small tree in your bathroom. Plus there's the equivalent of 1 sheep's worth of lanolin in each roll. So that's like having a small tree and a sheep in your restroom. Your guests will love you.

Don't entertain this year without at least one SUPER-MEGA roll. And for the day after why not try the all-new Clorox® ToiletWand™ System? It's clickable.

elsewhere:
the $100 turkey
all new clickable wand

Sunday, November 18, 2007

quiz answers

Here are the answers to yesterday's algebra quiz.

First. Indulge my confession. I'm not a substitute teacher and I don't write for television although I've been accused of doing both. Poorly, I might add. You know what they say. Those who don't teach....do. And those who don't write for television.....watch.

Except me. I gave them up. First the teaching. Then the television. The teaching was easier. You think you're reaching them, the rapt attention, those doleful looks, like a meeting with producers but then you realize it's all a feint. They just want to go back to the iPod, the re-runs, the dvds. You want to change the world.

I've quit them all - the smokes, the drink, the drugs. Losing tv was the most difficult. More painful than you can imagine but ultimately just another step in the recovery. And yes, the first step was the hardest.

The 27-inch monitor was wrestled from the mantle and somehow I managed to get it out the door without wrenching the back, dropped it just once on the way to the curb. The corner of the case cracked, but the guts held. Those analogs, they don't make em like that anymore. Once on the curb, I walked back inside and in 15 minutes, 15 MINUTES, it had disappeared from the curb and I stepped into a new life, a new medium.

Life's been simpler since then. The house rarely, if ever, quiet. The radio, always on. It's presence like your dog or the neighbor's child, interrupting only occasionally for a treat, content to be steadfast, inquisitive, and unobtrusive. None of that talk-radio-sports-junkie bullshit either. No. Music. Or NPR. Something that will hold a conversation together during dinner. "What's the true meaning of Lost?", works fine for a luncheon salad, but for the 3-course prix fixe dinner you'll need something with more substance, like deconstructing the New Pornographers latest effort or the solution to the Weekend Edition Puzzle.

True, I'd embraced the old medium WHOLE-HEARTED. So then, "how could I leave it?" Funny to hear that term, isn't it - the OLD medium. It still appears to be everywhere. The ads, the intimate chats. Our friends. We loved them like family. More so, they were less critical and better looking than family. Who can live with silence these days? Without stars? Without the season finale, the all-new episode? Life without hope. Without television. Please. Please. Don't make me read.

But I did. I turned to books for solace. And read. In reading, I found a bit of hope that had seemed to have gone from the world. I read everything. Pulp to history to poetry and back again. It was like going to the theater after a long absence. At first it seems a construct. Too many words. Too much space between them. Soon though, the words begin to spill into the room, past the coffee, turning Noah Adams into a songbird in the backyard. That life, remember it? It's out there. Just turn the page.

Key code to ALGEBRA: ALMOST LIKE AN EPISODE OF 24.
----------------------------------------
The answer is simple, just like the debates, like a reality show. You'll kick yourself when you realize how easy it is.

First. Hillary and Barack cross the stage.
Barack, in second, stays. Hillary, the front-runner returns. 3 minutes have passed.
Next. John Edwards and Kucinich cross. Ten minutes pass. Like an eternity.
Four minutes before the world ends. The tension rises. Cut to close-up of bomb. 13:00, 13:01, 13:02...Wolf can be seen smirking in the wings. He'll make himself a martyr to this cause.

Wait. Bararck seizes the moment, attempts to take the FLICKERING CANDLE OF HOPE from Edwards. They struggle. Kuncinich shouts, "Peace!". Hillary, "stop the in-fighting!" The struggle continues. The candle slips and begins it SLOW MOTION fall to the floor. Barack lunges and catches it midair. Looks down at his hand. The flame has gone out! the wick is smodering. No! NO! Slowly Barack begins to breath on it, gently at first, then deeper, and yes, YES, the FLICKERING CANDLE OF HOPE comes back to life. Again it burns.

Barack hurries back across the stage, Hillary throws her arms around him and they triumphantly march onto the stage and take their places just before the clock hits 17:00. The lights go up, Wolf, dejected, turns to the camera and says stoically, "Tonight's debate is coming to you live from....

elsewhere:
m.o.i.algebraic word problem spells world doom

more math problems

I'm in the stomach of the pelican, in the post-modern section of the Milwaukee Art Museum. This is where the Conceptualists meet the Pop Artists. There are gaggles of school children clumped together here and there, held together by the earnest enthusiasm of their teachers, everyone to be glad to be out in the world for just a few hours.

"What's Brillo?" the boy loudly asks as the group negotiates the Warhol cube on the floor.

"Not so loud, Dylan" the teacher responds. "It's called called pop art - for popular. Artists made work about what was popular at time" she explains. She looks at the retired couple quickly moving through the gallery and, as if to ask for the forgiveness of zealous children on a fine, fall day when there are no hard lessons to be learned says, "they were learning about catch-phrases this morning, advertising, and how to influence people."

The couple nods, smiles at the children and move toward the expressionists.

I turn and look at the work against the far wall. I don't know the artist, but it must be a contemporary of Judd, Flavin, and Lewit because it's in the same room as them, and the galleries maintain a strict linearity. This work is a finely machined convex disc, about 2 feet in diameter. The outer surface has been ground so that the glass is opaque. It's mounted so that the disc extends elegantly into the air, about eye level above the gallery floor and in a plane normal to the wall about 4 or 5 feet from the wall surface. Two, no, more likely four spotlights, I don't look to see which it is, are directed at the disc so that 4 other discs of the same dimensions are projected onto the wall behind it and to the sides. Together, they form an image of five intersecting circles when viewed from a distance - my current vantage point. Up close, one can marvel at the craftsmanship of the disc, the mounting bracket, how the light illuminates the flatness of the white wall, but the overall magic of the work is lost. It's like learning how the card trick is done before you see the trick for the first time.

The school group comes up behind me in the doorway and the teacher gathers them in a bunch.

"OK. How many discs are there?" she asks pointing to the work.

"Five!" "Four!" "Twelve!"the children shout, some caring, some not. "One." the boy, Dylan, says calmly, as if he's been through the museum before and this is not his favorite piece.

"Dylan is right," the teacher says and the children rush to confirm his answer. "Careful, careful," but the work is safe from enthusiasm because a rail has been erected to thwart the intersection of art and life.

I listen to the teacher deconstruct the work, explaining how the work is a mirage constructed with lights.

"Actually, I think there's five", I say from the doorway. The teacher looks up, which, in truth, is part of my motive, I want to catch her eye like the art work on the wall, I want her to know, like Dylan wants her to know that I'm smart and alive. And that I understand the work. The children turn to me, now unsure of the answer.

I move toward them, looking at the children, and not at the woman, who's taken a step back as this stranger approches her class. "It's a simple problem. Look on the wall." I move my hand around the perimeter stopping briefly at each projected image. "How many discs on the wall?"

"Four!" they shout in unison.

"Precisely. And how many discs here?" I point to the object.

"One."

"And four plus one equals ___?"

"Five!" Now they are beaming, because someone has successfully challenged the teacher. I beam back.

The teacher looks at me at, looks at the children. She wants to smile. She wants to laugh out loud. She wants to walk around the lake. Have a long lunch. Listen to the leaves scatter on the walk. Talk about what's really important in life. What her plans are. Where she'll be in 5 years. She wants this. I can tell. Just for a moment, I can tell that she wants this.

"The beauty of art, children" she says as she turns away from me, "is that everyone is free to their own interpretation."

elsewhere:
a few Milwaukee architectural gems

Saturday, November 17, 2007

algebraic word problem spells world doom

The Israeil cryptographer, Adi Shamir, has predicted that the end of world could be the result of an undetected algebra problem. Damm! Will al Queda stop at nothing? Must we now learn math? Vigilance forever or as I like to say:
which translated means that you have to pay the bank a whole shitload of money if you ever need to borrow some.

Anyway all this math stuff got me to thinking, with all the writer's on strike, who writes the word problems? This could be the saving grace for many who are flunking algebra and could provide you, gentle reader, respite from having to watch the same episode of Dexter for 5 nights running. So enjoy this problem, I like to call:

Alegbra: ALMOST LIKE AN EPISODE OF 24.
There are 4 politicians who want to go on stage and take their rightful place at the podium before the debate begins. They all begin in the audience (think young and diverse!) shaking hands and smoozing. You have 17 minutes to get all of the candidates on stage before the show goes live or else the terrorist (played by Wolf Blitzer) will set off a canister of nerve gas killing everyone inside, including the diverse, innocent (did I say beautiful and mostly blond?) college students invited by youtube to watch this disaster unfold.

The stage is completely dark and the candidates must cross the stage carrying a lighted candle (this represents ETERNAL HOPE and flickers constantly). There is but one FLICKERING CANDLE of HOPE. A maximum of two candidates can cross at one time. Any candidate who crosses, either 1 or 2 people, must have the FLICKERING CANDLE of HOPE with them. The FLICKERING CANDLE of HOPE must be walked back and forth, it cannot be thrown, or rolled on the ground. Each candidate walks at a different speed. A pair must walk together at the rate of the slower candidate's pace.

Hillary Clinton: takes 1 minute to cross
Barack Obama: takes 2 minutes to cross
John Edwards: takes 5 minutes to cross
Dennis Kucinich: takes 10 minutes to cross

For example, if Hillary Clinton and Dennis Kucinich walk across first, 10 minutes have elapsed when they get to the other side of the stage. If Dennis Kucinich then returns with the flashlight, a total of 20 minutes have passed and you have failed the mission and the once and future President is DEAD, as are many, many innocent, beautiful college students, and Anderson Cooper is covering the story 24/7/365.

What is the order required to get all candidates across in 17 minutes?

Answers tomorrow.
elsewhere:
m.o.i.quiz answers

cheney pardons white house turkey

And El Presidento offered some words of encouragement to striking writers.

Hertitage Turkeys, left to right.
Left-leaning Narangansett, Centrist Texas Rube, Right-leaning Narangansett

view videos of other turkeys @:
WHITE HOUSE TURKEYS

Friday, November 16, 2007

mistrial declared in 'tweety bird case

A Galveston jury could not reach a verdict in the trial of James M. Stevenson, who was accused of stalking, shooting, and killing cats near his home.

Stevenson, born E. T. Fudd, has also long been suspected of masterminding a series of brutal, unprovoked attacks on one of his neighbors. Apparently, Stevenson and the neighbor, a Mr. Wascally Wabbitt, had a long-running feud of unknown origins. However, the government could never convince a grand jury that the actions of Fudd weren't provoked by the irrational behavior of the neighbor and Fudd was never charged in the attacks. The government's case was additionally hampered because Wabbit refused to testify against Fudd, saying he (Wabbitt) preferred to handle the problem on his own terms.

After the election of Sam Yosemite as Sheriff, a new plan was hatched to rid Galveston of the vigilante Stevenson. In May, 2007, a Ms. Tweety Bird was enlisted to lure a pussy by the name of Sylvester into the open near Mr. Stevenson's home. Agents hoped to pounce on Stevenson before he had a chance to shoot Sylvester. Unfortunately, the plan went awry when Sylvester apparently grabbed Ms. Tweety Bird and stuffed her in his mouth. Sensing the bird was in imminent danger, Mr. Stevenson, shot the cat and freed the bird. Agents charged Stevenson with felony animal cruelty in that case. However, jurors were unable to reach a verdict on the charge and Judge Judy was forced to declare a mistrial.


Several jurors who voted for acquited and who spoke publicly after the mistrial felt that Mr. Stevenson had acted in the best interest of the bird when he shot and killed the cat. Mr. Stevenson was quoted as saying, "no matter how looney it may seem, the cat deserved it."

Thursday, November 15, 2007

man shoots mama pussy


James M. Stevenson, 54, of Galveston, Texas, who claimed his "piping plover" was endangered, shot and killed a pussy named Mama. Stevenson, currently on trial for his actions, would not comment on the oedipal significance of the slaying. He has also admitted to stalking and killing numerous other pussies on his property, which may not be be against the law in the bullying land of Texas, but is generally frowned upon by the meek.
elsewhere:
man kills sylvester, tweety bird escapes

world's most expensive fill-up

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates today warned members of Congress that the US will have to stay in the Middle East for 10 years just to extract enough oil in order to get all of the military vehicles deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan back into this country.

The US military is the largest single consumer of oil in this country. Petroleum consumption in Iraq by the Defense Department is running about 2 million gallons a day. The Department of Defense will consume approximately 150 million barrels of oil in 2007 and at the current cost of oil, the military (read US CITIZENS) are spending $150 billion dollars a year on this product.

Just how insane is this level of consumption? The President requested about one-third of the amount it will spend on fuel for military vehicles for education (56 billion). The U.S. military consumes more oil on a daily basis than many countries i.e. Greece.

In a related item, a federal judge has ruled that fuel standards for infantry vehicles, tanks, and bombers are not valid because the government has not adequately taken into consideration the environmental consequences of the fuel consumption. Let's see, this tank gets 3 gallons to mile and how many lives? and how many wounded?

elsewhere:
bush announces plans to leave all children behind

military bankrupt?

new fuel standards for tanks?

into the clear


Ahead in the count 2-0, Barry Bonds struck out today against his arch rival the United States of America. Bonds, who currently holds the all-time home record for ballplayers with asteriks tatooed on their forehead, vowed to drive the 7th District Magistrate's weak fastball of a case into the bay during their next meeting.
Above. Limited edition 18 U.S.C.1832(a) "perjury" commemmorative baseball
see also:
m.o.i.: can't touch this*
m.o.i.: name your price
m.o.i.: serious inquiries only
m.o.i.: yankees on hgh
m.o.i: the real problem in baseball
m.o.i: this one's a bitch
m.o.i: got hgh?

Saturday, November 10, 2007

bush counting on veteran's day

3890 U.S. Soldiers killed; 27,000 U.S. Soldiers wounded; over 100 journalists killed; ~1000 U.S. contractors/mercenaries killed and more than 12,000 contractors/mercenaries wounded; and over ~80,000 civilians killed.

What is the Bush Plan for Armistice Day in the Middle East? What are the candidates plans for Armistice Day in the Middle East? If they can't articulate a plan for ending the Middle East Madness, don't vote for them.



More @:
Iraqi coalition casualities

Civilian casuality estimates

Friday, November 9, 2007

dems to bush/cheney

no, F-you!

Whoa, Congress has finally over-ridden a veto of El Presidente Bush. The Water Resources Development Act, an act which has a lot more to do with development than water resources, was the first. Democratic Senator Claire McCaskill of Missouri was one of only 2 Democrats to vote against the override. Pork rind Republican Kit Bond, who loves special interests almost as much as the sauce, supported the bill. Outside of K-Street, no American, including members of Congress who voted for it, has actually been able to read the bill.


In a nod to sanity, the last earmark to be included in the bill was a provision that would send a case of bottled water to every registered voter in the all-important, but parched states of the Deep South. Residents are advised that the contents of one bottle should be used to water their lawns.

reward offered in clinton tip case

For immediate release.

Warrior Ant Press announced today that it's offering a reward for anyone who can solve the mystery of the missing $100 tip that Senator Clinton purportedly left during a campaign event in Iowa. A hundred dollar bill would buy a lot of loose-meat sandwiches but no one knows what happened to money. The server, Anita Esterday, was interviewed on NPR's morning edition and claimed she received no tip beyond, "Vote for Me."

Clinton campaign staffers, big tippers always, because they really understand the working class and because apparently they make lots of money serving in the public interest sector and have money to burn, claim to have left a $100 bill - which disappeared faster than the loose-meat sandwiches. So pray tell. What happened? Was it recalled like a million pounds of E.coli laced ground beef? Swiped by a Republican? Did Brad Crawford, manager of the Toledo Maid-Rite, keep the proceeds for himself?

You solve the mystery of who stole Hillary Clinton's $100 and m.o.i. @ Warrior Ant Press will donate $100 to the campaign of a rival Democratic candidate. Heck, we've feeling generous today. We'll double the reward. Make it $200.

m.o.i.:who stole hillary's bill

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

impeach the dick

BEFORE HE STARTS ANOTHER WAR.

Washington, Nov 6 - Articles of impeachment resolution for Vice President Dick "the Dick" Cheney, introduced by Congressman Dennis Kucinich, U.S. House of Representatives.

Mr. Speaker:

Pursuant to 2.A.1. of Rule 9, I rise to give notice of my intent to raise a Question of the Privilege of the House, The form of the resolution is as follows:

Resolved, That Richard B. Cheney, Vice President of the United States, is impeached for high crimes and misdemeanors, and that the following articles of impeachment be exhibited to the United States Senate:

Articles of impeachment exhibited by the House of Representatives of the United States of America in the name of itself and of the people of the United States of America, against Richard B. Cheney, Vice President of the United States of America, in maintenance and support of its impeachment against him for high crimes and misdemeanors.

Article I
In his conduct while Vice President of the United States, Richard B. Cheney, in violation of his constitutional oath to faithfully execute the office of Vice President of the United States and, to the best of his ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States, and in violation of his constitutional duty to take care that the laws be faithfully executed, has purposely manipulated the intelligence process to deceive the citizens and Congress of the United States by fabricating a threat of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction to justify the use of the United States Armed Forces against the nation of Iraq in a manner damaging to our national security interests, to wit:

(1) Despite all evidence to the contrary, the Vice President actively and systematically sought to deceive the citizens and Congress of the United States about an alleged threat of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction:

(A) `We know they have biological and chemical weapons.' March 17, 2002, Press Conference by Vice President Dick Cheney and His Highness Salman bin Hamad Al Khalifa, Crown Prince of Bahrain at Shaikh Hamad Palace.

(B) `. . . and we know they are pursuing nuclear weapons.' March 19, 2002, Press Briefing by Vice President Dick Cheney and Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon in Jerusalem.

(C) `And he is actively pursuing nuclear weapons at this time . . .' March 24, 2002, CNN Late Edition interview with Vice President Cheney.

(D) `We know he's got chemicals and biological and we know he's working on nuclear.' May 19, 2002, NBC Meet the Press interview with Vice President Cheney.

(E) `But we now know that Saddam has resumed his efforts to acquire nuclear weapons . . . Simply stated, there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction. There is no doubt that he is amassing them to use against our friends, against our allies, and against us.' August 26, 2002, Speech of Vice President Cheney at VFW 103rd National Convention.

(F) `Based on intelligence that's becoming available, some of it has been made public, more of it hopefully will be, that he has indeed stepped up his capacity to produce and deliver biological weapons, that he has reconstituted his nuclear program to develop a nuclear weapon, that there are efforts under way inside Iraq to significantly expand his capability.' September 8, 2002, NBC Meet the Press interview with Vice President Cheney.

(G) `He is, in fact, actively and aggressively seeking to acquire nuclear weapons.' September 8, 2002, NBC Meet the Press interview with Vice President Cheney.

(H) `And we believe he has, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons.' March 16, 2003, NBC Meet the Press interview with Vice President Cheney.

(2) Preceding the March 2003 invasion of Iraq the Vice President was fully informed that no legitimate evidence existed of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The Vice President pressured the intelligence community to change their findings to enable the deception of the citizens and Congress of the United States.

(A) Vice President Cheney and his Chief of Staff, Lewis Libby, made multiple trips to the CIA in 2002 to question analysts studying Iraq's weapons programs and alleged links to al Qaeda, creating an environment in which analysts felt they were being pressured to make their assessments fit with the Bush administration's policy objectives accounts.

(B) Vice President Cheney sought out unverified and ultimately inaccurate raw intelligence to prove his preconceived beliefs. This strategy of cherry picking was employed to influence the interpretation of the intelligence.

(3) The Vice President's actions corrupted or attempted to corrupt the 2002 National Intelligence Estimate, an intelligence document issued on October 1, 2002, and carefully considered by Congress prior to the October 10, 2002, vote to authorize the use of force. The Vice President's actions prevented the necessary reconciliation of facts for the National Intelligence Estimate which resulted in a high number of dissenting opinions from technical experts in two Federal agencies.

(A) The State Department's Bureau of Intelligence and Research dissenting view in the October 2002 National Intelligence Estimate stated `Lacking persuasive evidence that Baghdad has launched a coherent effort to reconstitute it's nuclear weapons program INR is unwilling to speculate that such an effort began soon after the departure of UN inspectors or to project a timeline for the completion of activities it does not now see happening. As a result INR is unable to predict that Iraq could acquire a nuclear device or weapon.'.

(B) The State Department's Bureau of Intelligence and Research dissenting view in the October 2002 National Intelligence Estimate also stated that `Finally, the claims of Iraqi pursuit of natural uranium in Africa are, in INR's assessment, highly dubious.'.

(C) The State Department's Bureau of Intelligence and Research dissenting view in the October 2002 National Intelligence Estimate references a Department of Energy opinion by stating that `INR accepts the judgment of technical experts at the US Department of Energy (DOE) who have concluded that the tubes Iraq seeks to acquire are poorly suited for use in gas centrifuges to be used for uranium enrichment and finds unpersuasive the arguments advanced by others to make the case that they are intended for that purpose.'.

The Vice President subverted the national security interests of the United States by setting the stage for the loss of more than 3800 United States service members; the loss of more than 1 million innocent Iraqi citizens since the United States invasion; the loss of approximately $500 billion in war costs which has increased our Federal debt; the loss of military readiness within the United States Armed Services due to overextension, lack of training and lack of equipment; the loss of United States credibility in world affairs; and the decades of likely blowback created by the invasion of Iraq.

In all of this, Vice President Richard B. Cheney has acted in a manner contrary to his trust as Vice President, and subversive of constitutional government, to the prejudice of the cause of law and justice and the manifest injury of the people of the United States. Wherefore, Vice President Richard B. Cheney, by such conduct, is guilty of an impeachable offense warranting removal from office.

Article II
In his conduct while Vice President of the United States, Richard B. Cheney, in violation of his constitutional oath to faithfully execute the office of Vice President of the United States and, to the best of his ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States, and in violation of his constitutional duty to take care that the laws be faithfully executed, purposely manipulated the intelligence process to deceive the citizens and Congress of the United States about an alleged relationship between Iraq and al Qaeda in order to justify the use of the United States Armed Forces against the nation of Iraq in a manner damaging to our national security interests, to wit:

(1) Despite all evidence to the contrary, the Vice President actively and systematically sought to deceive the citizens and the Congress of the United States about an alleged relationship between Iraq and al Qaeda:

(A) `His regime has had high-level contacts with Al Qaeda going back a decade and has provided training to Al Qaeda terrorists.' December 2, 2002, Speech of Vice President Cheney at the Air National Guard Senior Leadership Conference.

(B) `His regime aids and protects terrorists, including members of Al Qaeda. He could decide secretly to provide weapons of mass destruction to terrorists for use against us.' January 30, 2003, Speech of Vice President Cheney to 30th Political Action Conference in Arlington, Virginia.

(C) `We know he's out trying once again to produce nuclear weapons and we know that he has a long-standing relationship with various terrorist groups, including the Al Qaeda organization.' March 16, 2003, NBC Meet the Press interview with Vice President Cheney.

(D) `We learned more and more that there was a relationship between Iraq and Al Qaeda that stretched back through most of the decade of the '90s, that it involved training, for example, on biological weapons and chemical weapons . . .' September 14, 2003, NBC Meet the Press interview with Vice President Cheney.

(E) `Al Qaeda had a base of operation there up in Northeastern Iraq where they ran a large poisons factory for attacks against Europeans and U.S. forces.' October 3, 2003, Speech of Vice President Cheney at Bush-Cheney '04 Fundraiser in Iowa.

(F) `He also had an established relationship with Al Qaeda providing training to Al Qaeda members in areas of poisons, gases, and conventional bombs.' October 10, 2003, Speech of Vice President Cheney to the Heritage Foundation.

(G) `Al Qaeda and the Iraqi intelligence services have worked together on a number of occasions.' January 9, 2004, Rocky Mountain News interview with Vice President Cheney.

(H) `I think there's overwhelming evidence that there was a connection between Al Qaeda and the Iraqi government.' January 22, 2004, NPR: Morning Edition interview with Vice President Cheney.

(I) `First of all, on the question of--of whether or not there was any kind of relationship, there clearly was a relationship. It's been testified to; the evidence is overwhelming.' June 17, 2004, CNBC: Capital Report interview with Vice President Cheney.

(2) Preceding the March 2003 invasion of Iraq the Vice President was fully informed that no credible evidence existed of a working relationship between Iraq and al Qaeda, a fact articulated in several official documents, including:

(A) A classified Presidential Daily Briefing ten days after the September 11, 2001, attacks indicating that the United States intelligence community had no evidence linking Saddam Hussein to the September 11th attacks and that there was `scant credible evidence that Iraq had any significant collaborative ties with Al Qaeda'.

(B) Defense Intelligence Terrorism Summary No. 044-02, issued in February 2002 by the United States Defense Intelligence Agency, which challenged the credibility of information gleaned from captured al Qaeda leader al-Libi. The DIA report also cast significant doubt on the possibility of a Saddam Hussein-al-Qaeda conspiracy: `Saddam's regime is intensely secular and is wary of Islamic revolutionary movements. Moreover, Baghdad is unlikely to provide assistance to a group it cannot control.'.

(C) A January 2003 British intelligence classified report on Iraq that concluded that `there are no current links between the Iraqi regime and the al-Qaeda network'.

The Vice President subverted the national security interests of the United States by setting the stage for the loss of more than 3,800 United States service members; the loss of more than 1 million innocent Iraqi citizens since the United States invasion; the loss of approximately $500 billion in war costs which has increased our Federal debt; the loss of military readiness within the United States Armed Services due to overextension, lack of training and lack of equipment; the loss of United States credibility in world affairs; and the decades of likely blowback created by the invasion of Iraq.

In all of this, Vice President Richard B. Cheney has acted in a manner contrary to his trust as Vice President, and subversive of constitutional government, to the prejudice of the cause of law and justice and the manifest injury of the people of the United States.
Wherefore, Vice President Richard B. Cheney, by such conduct, is guilty of an impeachable offense warranting removal from office.

Article III
In his conduct while Vice President of the United States, Richard B. Cheney, in violation of his constitutional oath to faithfully execute the office of Vice President of the United States and, to the best of his ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States, and in violation of his constitutional duty to take care that the laws be faithfully executed, has openly threatened aggression against the Republic of Iran absent any real threat to the United States, and done so with the United States proven capability to carry out such threats, thus undermining the national security of the United States, to wit:

(1) Despite no evidence that Iran has the intention or the capability of attacking the United States and despite the turmoil created by United States invasion of Iraq, the Vice President has openly threatened aggression against Iran as evidenced by the following:

(A) `For our part, the United States is keeping all options on the table in addressing the irresponsible conduct of the regime. And we join other nations in sending that regime a clear message: We will not allow Iran to have a nuclear weapon.' March 7, 2006, Speech of Vice President Cheney to American Israel Public Affairs Committee 2006 Policy Conference.

(B) `But we've also made it clear that all options are on the table.' January 24, 2007, CNN Situation Room interview with Vice President Cheney.

(C) `When we--as the President did, for example, recently--deploy another aircraft carrier task force to the Gulf, that sends a very strong signal to everybody in the region that the United States is here to stay, that we clearly have significant capabilities, and that we are working with friends and allies as well as the international organizations to deal with the Iranian threat.' January 29, 2007, Newsweek interview with Vice President Cheney.

(D) `But I've also made the point and the President has made the point that all options are still on the table.' February 24, 2007, Vice President Cheney at Press Briefing with Australian Prime Minister in Sydney, Australia.

(2) The Vice President, who repeatedly and falsely claimed to have had specific, detailed knowledge of Iraq's alleged weapons of mass destruction capabilities, is no doubt fully aware of evidence that demonstrates Iran poses no real threat to the United States as evidenced by the following:

(A) `I know that what we see in Iran right now is not the industrial capacity you can [use to develop a] bomb.' Mohamed ElBaradei, Director General of International Atomic Energy Agency, February 19, 2007.

(B) Iran indicated its `full readiness and willingness to negotiate on the modality for the resolution of the outstanding issues with the IAEA, subject to the assurances for dealing with the issues in the framework of the Agency, without the interference of the United Nations Security Council'. IAEA Board Report, February 22, 2007.

(C) `. . . so whatever they have, what we have seen today, is not the kind of capacity that would enable them to make bombs.' Mohamed El Baradei, Director General of International Atomic Energy Agency, February 19, 2007.

(3) The Vice President is fully aware of the actions taken by the United States towards Iran that are further destabilizing the world as evidenced by the following:

(A) The United States has refused to engage in meaningful diplomatic relations with Iran since 2002, rebuffing both bilateral and multilateral offers to dialogue.

(B) The United States is currently engaged in a military buildup in the Middle East that includes the increased presence of the United States Navy in the waters near Iran, significant United States Armed Forces in two nations neighboring to Iran, and the installation of anti-missile technology in the region.

(C) News accounts have indicated that military planners have considered the B61-11, a tactical nuclear weapon, as one of the options to strike underground bunkers in Iran.

(D) The United States has been linked to anti-Iranian organizations that are attempting to destabilize the Iranian government, in particular the Mujahideen-e Khalq (MEK), even though the state department has branded it a terrorist organization.

(E) News accounts indicate that United States troops have been ordered into Iran to collect data and establish contact with anti-government groups.

(4) In the last three years the Vice President has repeatedly threatened Iran. However, the Vice President is legally bound by the U.S. Constitution's adherence to international law that prohibits threats of use of force.

(A) Article VI of the United States Constitution states, `This Constitution, and the Laws of the United States which shall be made in Pursuance thereof; and all Treaties made, or which shall be made, under the Authority of the United States, shall be the supreme Law of the Land.' Any provision of an international treaty ratified by the United States becomes the law of the United States.

(B) The United States is a signatory to the United Nations Charter, a treaty among the nations of the world. Article II, Section 4 of the United Nations Charter states, `All Members shall refrain in their international relations from the threat or use of force against the territorial integrity or political independence of any state, or in any other manner inconsistent with the Purposes of the United Nations.' The threat of force is illegal.

(C) Article 51 lays out the only exception, `Nothing in the present Charter shall impair the inherent right of individual or collective self-defense if an armed attack occurs against a Member of the United Nations, until the Security Council has taken measures necessary to maintain international peace and security.' Iran has not attacked the United States; therefore any threat against Iran by the United States is illegal.

The Vice President's deception upon the citizens and Congress of the United States that enabled the failed United States invasion of Iraq forcibly altered the rules of diplomacy such that the Vice President's recent belligerent actions towards Iran are destabilizing and counterproductive to the national security of the United States.

In all of this, Vice President Richard B. Cheney has acted in a manner contrary to his trust as Vice President, and subversive of constitutional government, to the prejudice of the cause of law and justice and the manifest injury of the people of the United States.

Wherefore Richard B. Cheney, by such conduct, warrants impeachment and trial, and removal from office.

Mr. Speaker: This resolution is similar to a resolution which I introduced earlier this year and has the support of 22 of my colleagues here in the House of Representatives.
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flavor fav

There's a small trend in haute cuisine to experiment with the chemistry of food through the use of food additives, starches, and gums in order to make crazy food things, like squares of fried hollandaise sauce. The techniques are interesting, but hollandaise sauce wasn't very good for you in the first place, so if you deep fry it, then what? It looks and sounds interesting, maybe it even tastes great, but to what end?

I like playing around with dishes and flavors and sometimes they work, and sometimes they don't. Here's a desert where I was trying to walk the line between a high and low construct to cuisine. The flavors work (the most important thing) although the plate presentation needs some reinvention because right now it looks like there's a mummy on the plate which makes me think "dead food" and that's not good.

This dish is informed by a few very simple principles: use the very best ingredients that you can find, and then extract as much flavor as you possibly can from these ingredients, and present them so the dish is centered on the intensity of the flavors and not on extraneous things. The techniques described are quite fundamental, they just take time to execute, which is one reason I don't make deserts very often anymore.

AMBER AND RUBY FRUIT
For this desert we pair and contrast the flavor of 2 fruits and offset them with a bit of every one's favorite. Chocolate. To achieve the intense flavors that we're after we will make 2 reductions. One from fresh pineapples (in season) and the other from dried cherries (always in season).

For the pineapple reduction. Take 3 cups of fresh pineapple juice and place in a stainless steel pan along with a small piece of peeled ginger (about the size of your little finger). Bring quickly to a boil and then reduce the heat to a simmer. Reduce the liquid by at least two-thirds. During the reduction, the juice is going to turn a lovely amber color and ginger essence is going to permeate the glaze. Add 3 T. turbinado sugar to help retain some of the color and flavors, but don't overdue it with the sugar as you can caramelize your sauce. Remove the ginger and continue the reduction until the sauce thinly coats the back of a spoon. Set aside to cool.

For the cherry reduction. It's just a variant of the above process, except the flavors end is sweeter, denser, and more succulent than the pineapple glaze. To 4 cups of black cherry juice and 1 cup of white grape (or pear) juice, add 1 cup of dried tart Michigan cherries and one quarter of a plump Madagascar vanilla bean split down the middle. Half-way through the reduction, scrap the seeds from the bean, continue to reduce the liquid until there's about one cup or at which point it will coat the back of a spoon. The dried cherries should now be quite plump and a deep ruby red. Set aside to cool.

Assembling the dish. Take 4 or 5 thick wedges of fresh pineapple and either broil them or sear them quickly in a small amount of butter in a hot pan to seal the edges.

Sauce the plate in the abstract pattern of your choosing (my plate presentation here really sucks), arrange the pineapple wedges on top, garnish with the plumped cherries, and small bits of chocolate nibs*.

*Note: Chocolate nibs are the outer husk of the chocolate bean after roasting. They have the highest antioxidant rating of any food, about 60 times more powerful than the brussel sprout. You can substitute extra bitter dark chocolate savings in its place. Dark chocolate only has about 15 times the antioxidant power of the lowly brussel sprout.

Note 2: This is fine follow-up to a bison burrito.


m.o.i.: flavor fav
elsewhere
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m.o.i.: Fruit cobbler for breakfast?

more info:
the world's best chocolate