celebrating our independence from absurdity

OK, I got my neighborhood association newsletter in the mail this week, and God Bless their souls...I know they're trying. But sometimes I just have to wonder what's going through people's minds. They mean well, but it's as though no one has stopped to question is this really an appropriate use of our resources and police department.

For the second year in a row, the Roanoke Neighborhood association is paying off-duty Kansas City police officers to patrol the neighborhood for 2 hours on July 4th. The purpose? To enforce the city's ban on fireworks. In other words, to enforce the law. We have to hire the police to selectively enforce the law otherwise they won't do it. But it gets better. The off-duty police officers don't actually enforce the law. What they do is the first time they catch you shooting illegal fireworks during this 2-hour window, they warn you that doing so within the city limits is against the law.

Whoa! I'm scared now. And if they catch you a second time, then they not only confiscate your fireworks (is this in the ordinance?) but they also write you a ticket. So if I'm 17 and shooting fireworks, what do you think the chances are that the police would catch me doing it twice. Hell, if I was 17, I'd set off the 1000 pack of Black Cats just to get their attention. Then I'd move to a flanking position, lay down down some smoke bombs to create a little confusion, and fire a buzz bombs over their head. Then beat feet while my buddies on the other side of the park layed down covering fire with a simultaneous launch of 3-dozen bottle rockets.

Last night, the 3rd, it was a virtual war zone in the neighborhood. Guess the POleASE were busy getting paid to enforce a different law. I really could care less if folks blow off fireworks in town, lord knows I've done it many, many times. As long as you don't burn down the house, or blow off your hand, who cares? What I find ridiculous is that our neighborhood hires policemen to sorta enforce the laws and this doesn't strike the board as a little odd and misplaced. Do we also have to hire them to enforce the laws against property theft, bunco scams, and embezzlement? Murder? Speeding? Where does it stop?

All of this got me to thinking that wouldn't it be fun to go to the police and offer to pay them to enforce a law of your choosing? Something that really irritates you. My pal Chappe suggested that it should be the leash law for cats. Apparently cats must be on a leash when outdoors and this really bothers Chappe (a dog person). I thought this was a good idea but only if after the second offense, the police would be forced to drown the cat in a bucket of water they carried expressly for the purpose. The buckey we would provide free of charge (another example of public/private partnerships!) and on the side would be written,

KCMO POLICE DEPT.
CAT DROWNING BUCKET
OFFICIAL USE ONLY

Now don't you think that if one were to go to the Police Headquarters and suggest such a cock-a-mamie idea, that the desk sergeant would have you locked up for 48 hours of observation?

Then why not for the fireworks? If the neighborhood board is so worried about fireworks then maybe we should lock them up in a quiet place over the weekend.

Happy Independence Day. Don't blow off your hand, or burn down your neighbors house, and if you absolutely insist on shooting off fireworks in town, then have the sense to stop after the 1st warning. Or do it after 9:30 pm when the police leave.