Monday, December 31, 2007

2008 predictions from warrior ant press

Ten things that may come to pass in 2008.

*A new television network will emerge from the writer's strike which won't be settled until after the November elections. Called FTW, For the Win, the network will feature only shows that pit contestants against one another. Just some of the shows on tap at FTW:

--*Fed by Spears -- The raucus pilot begins just as Britney finds out that K-Fed is really the father of Jamie Lynn's baby! Then we follow the trio through the courts and into rehab and back again in the custody battle of the century. With Judge Mathis presiding, it's winner take ALL THE KIDS. Losers pay alimony, court costs, and the therapist bills.

--*Auf'd the Campaign Trail --Follows the crazy antics of Rudy Gulliani on (and auf) the campaign trail as he tries to become President. Americans tune in droves for the sex, swearing, and lying. As the election nears, and to boost ratings among gays and security moms, Gulliani replaces his campaign staff with a team of make-over artists that includes Heidi Klum, Tyra Banks, Ty Pennington, and Tom Bergeron. Rudy then storms the campaign trail in a Utilikilt preaching tolerance, 9/11, and family values. Miraculously, the ploy works because Mike Huckabee can't remember why the US and France are allies; a video clip of Mitt Romney coming out of the restroom with Larry Craig turns up on TMZ; Fred Thompson quits after the California primary, stating, "I make more money in Law and Order residuals than the President does in a year, what the hell's the point in that?";and during an appearance on American Gladitors to prove he's the toughest candidate, John McCain suffers post-tramatic stress while jousting, gets knocked into the water and nearly drowns. A cell phone video of the event will become the most-watched YouTube video of the year.

*Dick "the Dick" Cheney will suffer another heart attack, his 9th, and perish only to surprise the devil himself by coming back to life once the embaling fluid reaches his heart.

*George Bush will remain in office but "the Dick" will still be in charge.

*Bono will play himself in a movie even appearing as himself during his early childhood, will stop wearing those goofy-ass shades everywhere, and will negioate a temporary peace in war-torn Pakistan.

*In an effort to bolster her flagging campaign, Hillary Rodham Clinton, will ditch Celine Dion for Snoop Dogg, who always wanted to 'pop that bitch'.

*Much to Hillary's dismay, the Dogg convinces Chelsea Clinton to make a guest appearance on his reality show Fatherhood, they fall in love, and live happily ever after.

*Barack Obama will become the second bi-racial candidate (after Bill Clinton) to be nominated for the Presidency. The swing state of Michigan will play heavily in the election and ultimately cause the ruination of Obama due to high number of illiterate voters who confuse his name with that of Osama bin Laden. "'Ain't voting for no terrorist, 'cause if I do, they will have won" one disgruntled voter will be heard to say.

*After being elected President, Rudy Gilliani will be linked to truthers, but the Supreme Court will refuse to rule against the notion that 'it was in the country's best interest to start World War III.'

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