John Lutecki Jr., world record holder for the longest solo canoe trip in the world (5615 miles) recently finished 10th in men's solo division at the 2nd annual Missouri River 340 - the longest nonstop canoe and kayak race in the world. Favorable weather and river conditions led to records being smashed in every category. However, John faced stiff competition from the likes of Dave Anderson who paddled his Kimana outrigger from Kansas City, KS to the outskirts of St. Louis in less than 2 days, besting last year's time by 7 hours 20 minutes.

The only racers to get run over by a barge were from California. Luckily, they survived, although their kayak did not.

anger management

Putzer Prize winning journalist, Ed Anger, has been forced to retire from the printed pages of the World Weekly News. The reknowned Anger, the first journalist to break the now infamous story of alien endorsement of President Bush's campaign and whose candid interviews with Elvis years after his purported death by a crappy peanut butter sandwich won the hearts and minds of Blue Hawaiians everywhere with his simple prose and no-holds barred attitude. A spokesperson for Anger, interviewed in the checkout line at Safeway, indicated that Mr. Anger was fed up with the direction of corporate, jingoistic, journalism and longed for the days when the beat reporter was free to write about anything.

transforming the creature from the black lagoon

Wow what a strange week. Dick Cheney got a new heart (from a baboon?), half the field of Le Tour got throw out for taking dope, and a rookie from Discovery Channel, Alberto Contador took home the yellow and white jerseys. Oh yeah, 75,000 people showed up for the Hall of Fame induction ceremony for Cal Ripken Jr. and Tony Gywnn while Bud Selig and Barry Bonds waited on the sidelines as though the world was the same this year as the last.

Correction. m.o.i. was able to obtain the above photo of Dick Cheney's heart, obviously NOT from a baboon, but more likely from a creature from another planet.

is it time yet?

Where is Bitterman Airlines? The maiden voyage was set to take off over a month ago and it still hasn't launched? Sure there's some red tape involved, some beauracratic hurdles to overcome, there always is, but can't we eat our cake and our FRUIT at the same time?

It's time to move forward. WE WANT THE BANANNA!

white hat, black hat, yellow jersey

By Sunday, Alberto Contador, the Discovery Channel phenom and the future of cycling may well be wearing 2 jerseys. Best Young Rider and the GC yellow.

It may also turn out to be a big week for the dopers. French custom agents today pulled over the team buses of Astana, Discovery Channel, Robobank, and CSC looking for, well... dope. Michael Rassmussen, the Dane, who has sheepishly held the maillot jaune for the last week of Le Tour, but couldn't find his way to 2 drug tests (3 gets you a yellow warning card) has been dogged by allegations of doping including my favorite where he tried to get a teamate to carry over a box of cow-blood hidden in a cycling shoe box. Apparently the man known at the Chicken still has a thing for the Runes. All you have to do is watch one of the press conferences and it's obvious that the fidgety, unable-to-look-a-reporter-in-the-eye Rassmussen has something to hide. If he wins, and the doping allegations stick, that'll make it 2 in a row and cycling won't recover for many years to come.

And then there's Mr. Clean himself, Barry Bonds, who arguably has been subjected to much racism in the career and is definitely a helluva ballplayer, but has never helped himself by being an asshole to fans and the press alike. Barry Bonds returns today to where he left his heart and where San Francisco will surely open up it's Golden Gate to welcome him for an 8-game homestand and the opportunity to catch a baseball that might be worth a million dollars. As Hall-of-Famer Frank Robinson recently stated, professional atheletes don't getter better when they turn 40, but somehow the BB did.

m.o.i.: white hat, black hat, yellow jersey
elsewhere:
m.o.i.: maillot jaune
m.o.i.: corporate money
m.o.i.: flance to wear zero for prologue
m.o.i.: you've lost that lovin' feeling
m.o.i.: give it up

homo erectus

El Presidente, Dick Cheney, has voluntary agreed to temporarily remove his finger from George Bush's arse, thus ending his brief, but second knuckle, tenure, as reigning King of the World View. Bush, who wore a flight suit during much of the procedure, is expected to recover enough to tackle his next job, that of reading the latest installment of Harry Potter before his term expires in slighty more than 17 months.

"It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it," said Bush.

bend over america

George Bush bends over, people stick their thingy up his ass, and voila, Dick Cheney is the President.

It really is true. You knew it worked liked this and now there's proof.