Here's the latest on the story that rocked the Country Music Channel this past weekend. It's Country Music's biggest controversy since Alabama discovered that Shania Twain was Canadian and Vince Gill learned that Patsy Cline's protege, k.d. lang, was gay.
Toby Keith says report of exchange with Kris Kristofferson is "100 Percent Fiction"
According to the Rolling Stone article, Toby Keith emerged from the theater's basement to wish Nelson a happy birthday before telling Kristofferson, "None of that lefty shit out there tonight, Kris." The report goes on to say that Kristofferson replied, "What the fukc did you just say to me?" and that Kristofferson followed it up by asking, "You ever worn your country's uniform?" Kristofferson reportedly then told Keith, "You heard the question. You just don't like the answer," and asked again, "Have you ever served your country?' The answer is, no, you have not. Have you ever killed another man? Huh? Have you ever taken another man's life and then cashed the check your country gave you for doing it? No, you have not. So shut the fukc up!"
And now Kris Kristofferson says the "dispute never happened."
So last evening, to settle the dispute once and for all and to get our citizens once again focused on the Flag as a symbol for All That is Good in the World, a first in the history of the Grand Ole Opry occurred. A wrestling ring, yes, a full-sized WWF wrestling ring was erected center-stage at the Opry and the three men at the center of the controvers squared off in a Country Music Celebrity Death Match.
"It's a country death match, like chicken-fried steak with a side of gravy," Vince Mann announced to the crowd, "no one leaves the ring until the truth has been told or the last man perishes trying."
And this is the way it went down. For the first 5 minutes of the match Ethan, Kris, and Toby trade round house blows and flying kicks. Each spends significant time lying prone on the canvas only to be rejuvenated just seconds prior to being counted out. Then, just when the wiry Hawke appeared to have gained the upper hand on his larger, more muscled opponents, Kris and Toby simultaneously agreed to go at Hawke together. Togther they pummelled Hawke relentlessly for the next 5 minutes, opening cuts in Hawke's forehead, until finally they grabbed the near lifeless actor and heaved him over the ropes like a sack of potaotes. Hawke landed on the press table which collapsed in a heap and sent reporters scurrying for saftey.
Kris and Toby then strutted around the ring to the tune of I'm an Okie from Muskogee. Hawke slowly regained consciousness after which he grabbed a reportor's mike and proceeded to tell Kristofersson that he was a pussy-whupped old man and that Toby was his back-room, flag-as-a-hajib wearing, secret lover. Toby and Kris beckon Hawke to the ring so they can kill him, but Hawke knew better. For the next 5 minutes, Hawke pranced around the perimeter of the ring until both Keith and Kristofferson were foaming like rabid dogs and the crowd was yelling for a quick kill. Of Hawke.
Then suddenly, much to every one's surprise, but mostly Kristofferson's, Hawke suddenly slide beneath the ropes, and kicked Kris's legs out from beneath him. Hawke then quickly jumped on Kris's stomach and when Kris moved to protect his sensitive parts, Hawke did a real stomp on his face, breaking the aged crooner's nose in two places.
When Toby tried to counter attack, Hawke threatened to break Kris's arm. Toby momentarily dropped his guard just long enough for Hawke to pull a flying reverse kung fu move that dropped Keith into a quivering, unconscious heap on the canvas. Hawke, who now appeared to sense the potential for complete and utter vindication of the liberal lifestyle then positioned the big men on top of one another with Keith's face nestled in Kristoffeson crotch.
By now, the crowd was going absolutely berserk and semed ready to bum rush the ring. A chair came flying into the ring. Hawke snatched it up and placed in on Keith's back and then Hawke climbed the corner turnstile and prepared to launch himself into space and simultaneously crush both men. Miraculously, at this moment, Willie Nelson emerged from a backlit stage, and proceeded to stun Hawke into submission with his cane. Willie then grabbed the mike and started singing. Willie's song, albeit horribly off key, had the effect of slowly waking first Kristoferson, and then Toby.
Willie then took off his flag bandannas and wrapped the injured Kristofferson's head. The two then joined Willie center ring as they sang a moving, teary-eyed tribute of medleys to our fallen soldiers. The crowd joined in, everyone stood, and the Oprey house spontaneously erupted in a the chorus of America the Beautiful. Someone passed a flag to the ring, which Toby grabbed and ran around the ring like he's just won the Olympic Gold Medal. The crownd noise was nearly defeaning.
However, Willie, always sentimental after smoking some good weed, quickly stopped Keith, took the flag from him and attended to the nearly unconscious Hawke. Kris doused Hawke with a lite beer, also handed up from the crowd, and together Willie and Kris were able to resuscitate their fallen comrade.
Hawke, now wearing the colors that never run about his shoulder, apologized to Willie, Toby, Kris, and the assembled throng of fans. He begged forgiveness but the crowd just jeered. Only after Hawke announced that he would donate the proceeds of his next film to a non profit dedicated to helping homeless vets does the crowd begin to soften. Mikey Rourke, sitting ringside, then climbed the corner of the ring and began pounding his chest like a 15-year old. The crowd responsded mightily and roared unconditional love as Kris, Toby, and Ethan Hawke slowly faded into the wings like a Band of Brothers. In the end, Willie looked up at Rourke balancing precariously on the edge of the ropes and yelled to the crowd, "I'm the best in the world!" which enticed Rourke to launch himself immediately at the old troubadour and thus Round 2 began.