drive for show

Who watches golf on TV? Who calls eight friends over and gets a keg of beer? Landscapers, I guess. They sit around the TV, yelling, "Will you look at that golf path? Pure pea gravel." ~Jeff Cesario

The National Golf Federation has sheepishly announced that the number of hard-core golfers has been declining just at a time, when after years of building courses to keep up with demand, the number of courses is at an all-time high.

Contrary to the overall decline are some interesting notes, including that the number of women, children, and minorities are increasing, as are the number of automatic defibrillators on courses. The latter being the only increase not attributable to Tiger. The upshot of which is that should you ever want to shock a Hispanic teenage woman back to life, you'll be able to do so without having to pull the sand wedge from the bag. Just remember to have your HeartSmart card handy in case the victim dies before the para-medics arrive.

As someone, with deference to my Scots-Irish (among others) heritage, who used to play the game decently, and who once, yes true, defeated Payne Stewart in a putting tournament, I can say unequivocally why I stopped playing the game called by Twain, "a fine walk spoiled."

*Golf courses are environmental disasters.

*Golf courses are a huge waste of water.

*Golfing is expensive, time-consuming, and full of club members. I'm not good with clubs, or more typically, not invited to join them, which suits me. Groucho said it best, "any club that would have me, I wouldn't want to join."

*Golf, even when walking 18 holes, requires other forms of exercise to keep in shape, which is one reason I used to cycle to the club, which never endeared me to members who drove sports cars, especially after they lost the Nassau.